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15 October 2009 @ 04:57 pm
Dear Husband  
How funny you are, sir...

Is this why you can't stand to come and visit me anymore? Are you afraid of my sarcasm and witty comments that delve a little too deep into reality?

Yesterday, I stopped by your parents' house to pick up my mail, seeing as how nothing comes for you anymore (aside from the package from eBay, which I mistakenly put your name on)... Your mom and I got to talking. She told me that she dreams about you, at least, every other day. She asked me if I had dreams with you in them. I told her that I've only had four, but only last week was the first one where I could actually see you and interact with you as if you were still here.

The rest of the day, I spent thinking about why you don't come to me in my dreams. Do you even come to tuck me in, like you had promised? It's not like the lecture over liver functioning made me feel good, yesterday. I cried, because I wanted to punch you... Only to hug you and know that you were there -- that you were tangible.

My professor went on and on about different things to do with liver failure. She went on about things that we never did. Of course, I have to blame myself for not looking into other things. You know that I'm only mad because I feel accountable for the outcome, right? I only want to punch you for not giving me more time to figure out a way to cure what was destroying the both of us. And, of course, there's the fact that you left me... You gave up.

And it's funny that all of this has happened in a twenty-four hour period: the lecture; the conversation with your mom; and what caused me to write this, which is the fact that I stumbled upon a Grey's Anatomy re-run and they were playing songs by Ray LaMontagne throughout it.

But I guess the bottom line is that I'm writing, because I don't know what kind of message you're trying to send me. Are you keeping your distance to make me push forward with my life, as if our marriage didn't mean shit? I've only been talking to a guy, and already the idea of being something more than just friends terrifies me. You and I... We talked so much about our ideas of Heaven, and what it would be like -- it was you and me. We said that we'd be together forever.

So, if and when something happens with some guy... Does that mean that there will no longer be a you and me in Heaven? Because, really, I don't get it... And I'll be damned if I leave you because I'm foolish and think that it works that way. Miscellaneous pastors swear that I can move on and eventually get married; and that when we all get to Heaven, none of us are more than just friends. However, we both had the same views, and those weren't our views... So what the hell do you want me to do?

I don't get it... I don't get you: always smiling and happy, being there. Do you understand what it's like to be down here?

I love you, I love you... I love you too.
Bethany
 
 
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Empty," Ray LaMontagne
 
 
 
jambosanajambosana on October 23rd, 2009 04:17 am (UTC)
its hard. since my dad got sick, i think about him more and more than i ever used to. ive only had a couple dreams of him. one was him hugging me, then someone woke me up from it, and i wanted to cry, because i wanted it back. i see my dad in a lot of guys though. i see him on tv, in my coworkers, everywhere. its hard.

just remember he will be there when you need him and hes always watching over you.

*huggles*

keep plugging away