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17 October 2009 @ 11:26 pm
Mr. Hershman,

I felt you in every fiber of my being today, while I was in the car. It was pouring, but there was this humongous amount of sunlight peaking through the clouds. I was listening to that cd that I made in July of the "My Sister's Keeper," soundtrack, as well as some Greg Laswell and Blue October... It reminded me so much of you, which is why I made it to begin with.

I wanted to reiterate what we talked about in the car, at that moment... About letting go. Remember when I wanted to let go of the steering wheel (also in July), because I sensed your presence so clearly and I was so comfortable with the idea of being with you?

I don't want that anymore.

I sought the comfort of your ghost, because I swore that it would bring you back to me. I found, though, as I drew myself inward to inspect everything... That we're just causing problems for one another. You are happy all of the time (and I know that, because I know what Heaven meant to you); and I'm down here constantly flailing my arms, trying to get a grasp on reality, and the person that I'm trying to become... And it's just not productive. I tremble at the idea of being reminded of the hospital in Indianapolis. I am determined to go there, just to prove to myself that for the last time... There's really no place you could be hiding around here.

Once that's done... And it may take me months to get the courage to go, I want you to go on your way for a while, officially. I'm giving you your space now, but it will be a definite thing when I make that drive; and when I roam through the hospital and the GI floor.

You deserve amazing things, being there; and I know that you said that you wanted me to be happy... And blaming myself doesn't make me that way. I've found a wonderful man; and we're friends; and I think that you brought him to me, because we have just about everything in common... And thank you for that. I want to try this out without feeling guilty for doing so. Let's just take a deep breath for a little bit and see where we go, okay?

I love you, I love you... I love you too.
Your Wife, Bethany
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Your Ghost," Greg Laswell
jambosana: hugjambosana on October 23rd, 2009 04:18 am (UTC)