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21 September 2009 @ 10:24 pm
Almost two years ago, my parents brought home this little ball of fluff. I was angry at them and asked how they could even think of getting another dog after we lost you a few years prior. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the little booger though. It was then that I realized he wasn't a replacement. He was another puppy in need of a loving home and we are a family with big hearts. Sometimes he does things that remind me of you. You were such a great dog. Very soon, my new little girl will arrive to be both a friend to me and a buddy to Fergus. I realized that the pain of losing such a beloved family member is worth the lifetime of love and memories. I remember the first time I brought my daughter home from the hospital, you went right up to that carseat and licked that poor baby's face, trying to let her know you loved her. She in turn grew to be one of your best friends. I remember how mom would tell me that your tail would wag when I called from boot camp just to talk to you. I rmember those countless mornings that my brother let you into my room to wake me up. You'd jump on the bed and lick my face before deciding to take over and go back to sleep. With Fergs around, I realized how much I missed all that. I know now that no dog can ever replace you, but I'd be missing out on a lot of good times if I closed my heart forever.

I know you had a rough start, but if your previous owner hadn't abandoned you, I never would have met you. I'm glad you were able to have a long and happy life living with us. I love you forever and I hope to catch up to you someday, when my time on this Earth is done.

Thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for teaching me that it's okay to experience "puppy love" again. Thank you for teaching me the heart is big enough for more than one dog. Hope you're having fun with the cats and that they aren't giving you too much trouble. We miss all you guys down here and tell stories about you often!


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Current Mood: happy
14 September 2009 @ 08:46 pm
 hey my boy,

its been too long already...9 days too long.

what were you doing on that country road at 4 am? what were you doing driving so fast? what made you swerve?
its not only me who wants some closure, but you're family, too.

when my mom told me the news i was so shocked. i screamed and fell to my knees. to think that my best friend would be gone at 20 would have never crossed my mind. what happened to my kids knowing uncle dusty? and to your kids knowing aunt kelly? that will now never be.

your family is being so strong without you here. i don't know how they are doing it. i can barely get out of bed.
your family is great, though. so supportive. they think i can walk on water. they even told me so.

you'd disagree with that. hahah.

i wish i had just gotten to see you one more time.
i wish i could have heard your voice just one more time.

i don't know what to do without you, my boy.
you were too good to be true.

and now you're not here.
i miss you so much.
i'll always love you.

sleep well my boy.
until we meet again.
night night djp.
you're one and only,
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
28 August 2009 @ 12:11 pm
It has been almost three years since leukemia won that battle. I still think of you a lot. I've come to terms with it, and I don't cry anymore. I haven't for a really long time. My dad was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (also known as preleukemia) this month.
I know I should have hope. But I seem to lack it lately. He's been to the hospital twice this month from the treatment he's going through. They seem to be those same radioactive pills you were taking for a while before you did chemo. When I hear leukemia, I automatically think of losing you, and how hard that was for everyone. It scares me dude..
I'm really really scared.

He's progressively getting worse.

I know I should be stronger than this but I'm being weak. I'm letting it get the best of me.

Dad needs a bone marrow transplant..I really hope I'm a match. The doctors think it's risky, but they want to see if any of us are a match or not just in case.
Maybe you can talk to God up there for me. If you do, let Him know I'm not ready to lose my dad. I'm selfish, and he's going to stay here for at least 15 more years. I will never forgive Him if he takes my dad from me. Let Him know, ok? I've been telling Him myself but I don't think he takes me very seriously.

Anyway, I hope you're livin it up in heaven, partying all the time (: You would have been 21 this year with me...
26 August 2009 @ 05:09 am
Hi Mommy,

I was watching a promo for Supernatural today. It featured a song that was also on the soundtrack of your favorite movie. I went looking for some of the songs we played at your service. I've been listening to them for a couple hours now. I really miss you right now. There's so much going on right now that is out of my control and all I want is for you to hug me. I know everything will work out, but sometimes it's just too hard to see. I love you.

Your number 1 girl,

Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: O Brother Where Art Thou?
08 May 2009 @ 11:12 pm

I think with each day that passes, this is getting harder to deal with. I would love to know how I am going to take your car and prepare to sell it... Let alone take it to be sold. I think that might just be the last straw I've been holding onto in hope that you would still be coming home. I cried a little today, but something inside of me tells me that you already knew that, and that you were there with me on the ride back to your parents' house after my meeting.

I know that we didn't have a road map to plan out any of this, and part of me is really starting to wonder about what you would like me to do. I know that you will send me these messages, from time to time, to let me know that you're still here with me on a daily basis.

Please don't ever stop tucking me in at night and laying with me until I wake up in the morning.

And please help me to not feel bad for all of the negative moments we had in our relationship... Because sometimes, all I can think about are all of the instances where we would get into screaming matches because I was so scared that things would end up how they are now. And I wanted to do anything to help keep you safe... That's all I've ever wanted, and now look at where all of this has gotten us. I know that I've been going to therapy and we were both doing so good at understanding each other and my codependance and your addiction; and I admire you for admitting and consenting to go into a residential treatment facility two days before you ended up in the hospital... But I can't help wondering right now what I could have done to make things better sooner.

I should have tried to listen rather than yell. We all should have shoved you into treatment sooner.

I came across a letter from one of your exes, today, while Nancy and I were going through your stuff at your parents' house, and Rachel had written about your addiction. And yesterday, on Dr. Phil, they were talking about addictions, and your parents were telling me that they wished that they would have known about your addiction sooner... And I told them how you had told both me and Tonnia that your addiction started when you were sixteen. And the thing was that your parents didn't know. And I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just wish that maybe they would have realized what was going on before they paid and got it into your head to get the gastric bypass surgery before we met.

I don't understand why they were so worried about your image. Your mom said something about how she didn't think that you would be able to get a job being as heavy as you were... And I think that she was full of shit. And I wanted to smack her in the face for saying that, because it's things like that THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT made you hate yourself; and I know that it was a big issue that Tonnia and you had talked about in therapy.

And I don't know what else to say, other than I miss you terribly and I really wish that things could be different. And this is just me going through the steps... I guess... And I hope to God that you're right here next to me, right now, trying to help me get through this, because all I've got left is the pillow that was under your head when you passed away and your cologne.

I can't hug you anymore, and it kills me and hurts so badly... And I miss you more than anything; and I'm so sick of everything reminding me of you and the fact that you're not here.

You'll never be here to talk to me in a way that I can hear, except for in my dreams; and then I just wake up to wonder why it is that I was even allowed to have a beating heart in the morning.

...And I'm sorry that this is such a horrible letter. I wanted only, in all honesty, to tell you that I love you.

Love you always.
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "My December," Linkin Park
30 April 2009 @ 06:19 pm
Lovebug/Poopface/Jerkasaur --

It's been a week and a day, now, and I guess I'm writing this in hopes that you'll somehow see it. I know that these things don't probably transfer on over to heaven, but I guess I would still like to think that they do. Rather, I guess I hope that you're just looking over my shoulder as I write this...

I know that you're still lurking around here from time to time. I'm sorry if I call you down here at inconvenient times, like when you're attaching one more board to our house that you're building up there. I know that you'll be here at the right time to make sure that I'll get to see it when it's finished and perfect. I hope that Papa's teaching you how to be more of an organized man; and that Lori and Grandma are talking your ears off with all sorts of wonderful things.

Which reminds me, how was your Welcome Home party last Wednesday night? Did you postpone it until Saturday, after we had your funeral, so that you could show off your spiffy suit? I think that's what I would have done... Taken some extra days to get acquainted with the area, then partied like it was... Well, 1999, or something. Heh heh.

But, at any rate, I just wanted to kind of say hello, and let you know how much I appreciate you keeping your word and coming to tuck me in every night when I go to bed; and thank you for laying there with me while I would fall to sleep.

I miss your warm body; you telling me how much you loved me and good-night before we would go to bed; and there's not a day that I don't wish that I was up there with you. Perhaps you could arrange for me to get the swine flu or something. Heh heh.

...I know it will all come in good time.

I love you,
Wifey/Missy Pissy/Bratasaur
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Let it Go," Blue October
19 March 2009 @ 10:43 pm
Hi Mommy,

I'm getting my teeth fixed. Two crowns. I'm also brushing my teeth every day now. I don't miss a day. Even if I'm really sleepy, I never go to sleep without brushing my teeth. Before I leave the house for work, I brush my teeth. I miss you really bad right now. It's almost your birthday. Just over a month to go. My birthday has already come and gone. I had a good birthday. I spent it with friends and we played one of those Dungeons and Dragons type of games. I'm staying afloat as much as I can. I make sure all my bills are paid each month. I'm glad no one is at work right now. I don't want them to see or hear me cry. I really miss your voice. I miss your hugs. I miss sharing stuff with you. I'm goin with friends this summer to an old tuberculosis hospital in Kentucky. It's a ghost hunting tour. It's really funny because you know I'm afraid of the dark. But I'll be with other people and we'll have flashlights and I'll have a night vision camera. So, I think I'll be ok. I love you, Mommy.

-Your number one girl
Current Location: work
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: j-pop
16 January 2009 @ 03:25 pm

Hi guys,

I'm working on a documentary about young people who, due to parental loss, have had to assume leadership roles in their families.  If this applies to you and you'd be interested in taking part, please read on.  Thank you for your time.

Are you adapting to a new family situation and the responsibility of raising your siblings that was unexpected? Are you still figuring out how to adjust? Then MTV wants to hear from you. We want to know how you work through all the everyday struggles of being left to take charge because you have suffered parental loss. This show is really about kids who have come together under amazing circumstances to support eachother. If you appear to be between the ages of 18-28 and have 2 or more siblings that you are now the guardian of, then please send us your story and contact information to raisingmysiblings@mtv.com

02 January 2009 @ 03:13 pm
Sorry I didn't get a chance to write this yesterday. It was late and I wasn't quite sure what to say. My mom told me at dinner that you were in the hospital and later on that evening, she told me you had passed. I know we didn't get to see you much due to the distance between us, but I have many fond memories of going out to visit you and Aunt Charlene. I remember the time we were spending the Fourth of July with you and we would be on the road for my sister's birthday a couple days later. You surprised her with a chocolate cake a little birthday party. I will always treasure the time you took me and my little sister out to breakfast and got us our very first Egg McMuffins. As a kid, that was really exciting because my parents never let me order one. Even though they aren't my favorite now, sometimes I'll order one and it makes me think of you. I still miss the family reunions we used to have every other year or so. I always had a blast and I miss those days.

I miss and love you. I'm not sure if I can get the time off to go out to Missouri for your funeral, but my thoughts will be there if I can't make it.


P.S. Please send some extra comfort dad's way. He's really upset about losing you.
30 September 2008 @ 11:58 pm
Dear Mr. God :],

We both know that I talk to you on a daily basis, and while it may be brief chit-chat, I know that you know what I'm getting at. I know that you know the underlying circumstances and what it has taken for me to get here... Where I am, and to get here only with you guiding me along.

I didn't know you, for so long, because I had my doubts about you. We both know that I treat you like the greatest friend I've ever had, and you are the only one who can tolerate me when everyone else walks away. For that, and everything else in my life -- but that especially, I am forever grateful; and I don't ask much of you, other than to make sure that I am only making the right choices and that I better mend my heart which breaks so frequently.

I only ask you to make sure to say hello to the friends and family that are enjoying all that you have to offer beyond this life, and that you keep those of us who are still down here looking up safe.

However, I have a big favor to ask of you... I know it's almost like a loaded question, because I have asked this of you three times already this year, but please do this for me, or at least give me the strength to endure even more pessimistic situations.

All I'm asking is that you allow Dan to make it out of the hospital safely. If you need to take him, I understand and I accept that, and I know we've been given a lot of chances already this year, and I am forever grateful for those, but I really need to enjoy some more time with him.

I haven't told him how I wanted to take a million-and-one pictures with him, and how I wanted to do whatever it is that he wants to accomplish before he dies. I want to make things right with him, for the sake of my sanity, before he surrenders his last breath.

I want to give him the world, still... And I don't think that with only being married for a year and two months that I have accomplished that.

You know, I'm going to have a horrible time with blaming myself for not getting all of these things done if he dies soon.

At least, if this is what you have in store for him, please at least him be considered for the liver transplant... Give me something, anything, because I think that I'm losing it all tonight.

What am I supposed to do without the love of my life?

I love you, and like always -- please tell my friends and family that I love them and say, "Hello."


Oh, and PS -- please see that his test tomorrow morning goes well, because you know how much of a tolerance he has for anesthetics, and that his cultures come out alright, but let him be transfered down to Indianapolis... Because I only feel comfortable with them, when it comes to knowing what to do with his liver.

Thank you.
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: "Look After You," The Fray