Log in

No account? Create an account
01 July 2013 @ 01:20 am
I hope everyone is doing alright. Sorry I haven't really been around. Feel free to message me, anytime, if you need help with anything.

04 May 2011 @ 07:34 am
Dearest Grandma,
I miss you so much--we all do; you've been part of our lives for so so so long. but I know you're happy to be with Papa and Uncle John, and all your brothers and sisters, and your parents. I'm glad also that you are there with other people I love, my mother in law, Helen, Dave, and especially "Little Millie". hopefully you can tell them I'm doing okay.
I love you, I miss you-I still haven't processed it yet, I keep thinking I can just call you on the phone and you'll answer. I can't forget the way you held my face in your hands on our last day, just drinking me in. I'll never, ever ever forget you.
Thank you for being the best grandma. You are who I strive to be.
Love always,
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Ross Parsley - Breathe
25 July 2010 @ 11:24 am
Hello Mommy,

Has it really been 4 years already, Mommy? I still feel like you left us just recently. I miss you the most when I'm frustrated with work or with friends. You were always willing to let me just rant and rant. I really miss that, Mommy. Daddy gave us a scare recently. He had to go to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. He had an respiratory infection. A few days and antibiotics later and he's doing ok. He butt called me earlier today. At first I was concerned, and then I heard him using the drill motor and I knew he was fine and that he had just hit the phone and dialed me by accident. He's so technologically impaired. :) Things are looking up at my job, Mommy. I'm about to be hired on full time rather than just continue being a contractor. I'm really excited. This will provide me with a lot more stability. I don't expect a pay raise or anything, but it certainly wouldn't be turned down. :D Well, I better get back to doing what I was doing. I love you, Mommy!

Your Number 1 Girl,

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: nothing in particular
21 May 2010 @ 02:25 pm
Hello Mommy,

Today is the anniversary of your service. I found the videotape of Dad's birthday from just before you passed. I didn't realize just how much footage of you I got. I thought I only had a little bit and didn't have you talking at all. But I do have you talking. I have you smiling. I have you talking to daddy just like it was any other day. It's been 4 years now. I still miss you. I hit a rough spot last year that I'm just now getting over. I spent a long time wondering if I was going to lose my apartment and have to move back in with dad. Things are looking up. I have a new job that appears to be something that will last longer than a couple of month. Of course, I'm thanking God for my turn of good fortune because I specifically asked for help and promised I would do better than my best at this new job. I plan to make good on this promise. My cats are doing well and yes I said cats. I have 2 of them now. The new one is named Diablo and is definitely a holy terror. I think you would like him. He acts like Oliver sometimes and claws like Poohbear. I still think about you a lot. Daddy finally got rid of the bed you and him shared. He really needed to. It still had your blood on it and all he was doing was keeping it cluttered up. He's doing lots better. Some days are still hard, like your birthday. I counted it up. You would have been 59. Ok. I think I've written enough now. I love you Mommy.

Your number one girl,

Courtney :)
Current Location: home
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: my roommate talking about D&D
28 April 2010 @ 03:04 pm
Your birthday was last week. You would have been 24 now. And this week was the one year anniversary. Talked to your sister last week, and your brother called me this week. Your mom wants to talk to me, but I'm scared to call her. I don't know what to say to her. I know it's okay for me to miss you, but it's so much worse for your family and I feel selfish talking about it with them.

I miss you so much. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere, like those first few minutes after Mike called me are happening all over again. Janie didn't wake up. That's all he could say to me, over and over. Janie didn't wake up.

I want to be mad at you for leaving. No one realized you had been that sick, and you thought it was just more heartburn. Nobody could have stopped it. I told you all the time to get it checked out, but you were always more worried about everyone else and didn't take time to think of yourself. If only you had.
10 March 2010 @ 01:17 pm

There are so many things I wish I could tell you in person, but hopefully you'll read this note. I miss you so much. I keep thinking about all of this stuff I could have done differently, whether coming home earlier when I lived with you and dad or answering your emails more frequently. I took you for granted because I always thought you would be here. Now, you won't see me and Daniel get married and my children won't have a grandma and grandpa. That's the worst part of it, you won't be in my future and I think to myself, "What's the point?" But, I know you wouldn't want me to think like that....
I love you mom.

#1 Daughter


I hope you read this note. I want to say how much I love you, how much I've always loved you. Our past few years weren't exactly the best because of my stupidity. I shouldn't have been the angsty teen and resented you for telling me what to do. When I think back on it I realize how stupid I was. I should have taken the chance and spent more time with you while I had you. Now you're gone and it's left me feeling guilty. The only thing that makes me feel better is the fact that our last year was the year when our relationship improved. We actually found common ground and didn't argue or anything. You were a great dad although I never saw it until this past year. I just wish that we had taken that trip together, because you were always so much fun to spend time with. It'll be something I'll always regret not doing with you.

I love you dad.

#1 Daughter
Current Mood: sadsad
23 February 2010 @ 04:07 am

Today, we would have been together for four years; married for two years and five months, and some days.

I have a doctor's appointment with Dr. Perry today. Somewhere between now and then, I need you to help me figure out whether or not to bring up the medication errors on the hospital's/doctors'/nurses' behalf... Or if I should just let them go and chalk it all up to being part of some bigger life scheme?

I need reinforcement to tell me that it wasn't my fault, because I wasn't there when you were last admitted into the hospital. It wasn't, right? I can't be blamed... I guess. But I can't stop feeling like I should be held accountable for it all, since I was your wife -- your partner.

I feel like all of this should be put behind me, but this is a new milestone since you've passed away; and it's the first time I've been to see her since you were in the ICU and she was talking to us about you going into hospice.

I just hope that today goes more smoothly than I'm thinking it will right now.

Love you.
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Just Breathe," Pearl Jam
17 October 2009 @ 11:26 pm
Mr. Hershman,

I felt you in every fiber of my being today, while I was in the car. It was pouring, but there was this humongous amount of sunlight peaking through the clouds. I was listening to that cd that I made in July of the "My Sister's Keeper," soundtrack, as well as some Greg Laswell and Blue October... It reminded me so much of you, which is why I made it to begin with.

I wanted to reiterate what we talked about in the car, at that moment... About letting go. Remember when I wanted to let go of the steering wheel (also in July), because I sensed your presence so clearly and I was so comfortable with the idea of being with you?

I don't want that anymore.

I sought the comfort of your ghost, because I swore that it would bring you back to me. I found, though, as I drew myself inward to inspect everything... That we're just causing problems for one another. You are happy all of the time (and I know that, because I know what Heaven meant to you); and I'm down here constantly flailing my arms, trying to get a grasp on reality, and the person that I'm trying to become... And it's just not productive. I tremble at the idea of being reminded of the hospital in Indianapolis. I am determined to go there, just to prove to myself that for the last time... There's really no place you could be hiding around here.

Once that's done... And it may take me months to get the courage to go, I want you to go on your way for a while, officially. I'm giving you your space now, but it will be a definite thing when I make that drive; and when I roam through the hospital and the GI floor.

You deserve amazing things, being there; and I know that you said that you wanted me to be happy... And blaming myself doesn't make me that way. I've found a wonderful man; and we're friends; and I think that you brought him to me, because we have just about everything in common... And thank you for that. I want to try this out without feeling guilty for doing so. Let's just take a deep breath for a little bit and see where we go, okay?

I love you, I love you... I love you too.
Your Wife, Bethany
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Your Ghost," Greg Laswell
15 October 2009 @ 04:57 pm
How funny you are, sir...

Is this why you can't stand to come and visit me anymore? Are you afraid of my sarcasm and witty comments that delve a little too deep into reality?

Yesterday, I stopped by your parents' house to pick up my mail, seeing as how nothing comes for you anymore (aside from the package from eBay, which I mistakenly put your name on)... Your mom and I got to talking. She told me that she dreams about you, at least, every other day. She asked me if I had dreams with you in them. I told her that I've only had four, but only last week was the first one where I could actually see you and interact with you as if you were still here.

The rest of the day, I spent thinking about why you don't come to me in my dreams. Do you even come to tuck me in, like you had promised? It's not like the lecture over liver functioning made me feel good, yesterday. I cried, because I wanted to punch you... Only to hug you and know that you were there -- that you were tangible.

My professor went on and on about different things to do with liver failure. She went on about things that we never did. Of course, I have to blame myself for not looking into other things. You know that I'm only mad because I feel accountable for the outcome, right? I only want to punch you for not giving me more time to figure out a way to cure what was destroying the both of us. And, of course, there's the fact that you left me... You gave up.

And it's funny that all of this has happened in a twenty-four hour period: the lecture; the conversation with your mom; and what caused me to write this, which is the fact that I stumbled upon a Grey's Anatomy re-run and they were playing songs by Ray LaMontagne throughout it.

But I guess the bottom line is that I'm writing, because I don't know what kind of message you're trying to send me. Are you keeping your distance to make me push forward with my life, as if our marriage didn't mean shit? I've only been talking to a guy, and already the idea of being something more than just friends terrifies me. You and I... We talked so much about our ideas of Heaven, and what it would be like -- it was you and me. We said that we'd be together forever.

So, if and when something happens with some guy... Does that mean that there will no longer be a you and me in Heaven? Because, really, I don't get it... And I'll be damned if I leave you because I'm foolish and think that it works that way. Miscellaneous pastors swear that I can move on and eventually get married; and that when we all get to Heaven, none of us are more than just friends. However, we both had the same views, and those weren't our views... So what the hell do you want me to do?

I don't get it... I don't get you: always smiling and happy, being there. Do you understand what it's like to be down here?

I love you, I love you... I love you too.
Current Location: Valparaiso, In
Current Music: "Empty," Ray LaMontagne
21 September 2009 @ 10:24 pm
Almost two years ago, my parents brought home this little ball of fluff. I was angry at them and asked how they could even think of getting another dog after we lost you a few years prior. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the little booger though. It was then that I realized he wasn't a replacement. He was another puppy in need of a loving home and we are a family with big hearts. Sometimes he does things that remind me of you. You were such a great dog. Very soon, my new little girl will arrive to be both a friend to me and a buddy to Fergus. I realized that the pain of losing such a beloved family member is worth the lifetime of love and memories. I remember the first time I brought my daughter home from the hospital, you went right up to that carseat and licked that poor baby's face, trying to let her know you loved her. She in turn grew to be one of your best friends. I remember how mom would tell me that your tail would wag when I called from boot camp just to talk to you. I rmember those countless mornings that my brother let you into my room to wake me up. You'd jump on the bed and lick my face before deciding to take over and go back to sleep. With Fergs around, I realized how much I missed all that. I know now that no dog can ever replace you, but I'd be missing out on a lot of good times if I closed my heart forever.

I know you had a rough start, but if your previous owner hadn't abandoned you, I never would have met you. I'm glad you were able to have a long and happy life living with us. I love you forever and I hope to catch up to you someday, when my time on this Earth is done.

Thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for teaching me that it's okay to experience "puppy love" again. Thank you for teaching me the heart is big enough for more than one dog. Hope you're having fun with the cats and that they aren't giving you too much trouble. We miss all you guys down here and tell stories about you often!


Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
Current Mood: happy